Trapped

9/21/2015

Hey Guys! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. School started and I am trying to get into the whole routine of it. It's been almost a month, and this has been happening. I feel like I am being taken over by a huge wave of anxiety that I can't seem to swim to the surface of. I feel trapped and I get anxious everyday and it's horrible. It's causing me to not eat. Which means I'm losing weight. It is so bad, I didn't eat for the first three days of school. My parents noticed and now I try to eat most of my food at school.I can only eat one or two of my snacks and only half my lunch. I'm glad I'm losing weight and all, but this isn't how I want to lose it.

My mom wants to get me a therapist and that is the last thing I want. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to physically talk about the way I feel. I like writing about it. I find physically having to use my voice to explain my feelings very difficult and terrifying. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I'm thinking of getting anxiety medication, but I did do research and it kinda scared me a bit with things like "can cause addiction to drugs". I just don't really know what to do. I'm most afraid of anxiety medication because the way I think of it is, in order for the medication to do it's job, isn't it messing with your brain? What if one day the medication does something to me and I snap and bad things happen? Or what if it makes me feel even worse if I don't use the right prescription? 


As you can see, I am very paranoid when it comes to feeling sick or healthy. The reason why I have anxiety is because of my stomach and my allergy. If you don't know, I am lactose intolerant. When I eat something that tastes salty or tastes good, my mind is like " What if there is cheese in it" or "what if this makes me sick tomorrow at school". Basically what happens when I eat dairy, I get horrible stomach pains that just make my anxiety spike to it's highest and causes me to have a massive panic attack. Even if I'm at home when this happens, it's very hard to calm myself down. Now that school has started, the only thing I focus on is not only my lesson, but the way my stomach is feeling. Sometimes in french class, I will get cramps and have to rush to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror and breathe and tell myself to calm down.


I just don't really know what to do about my anxiety problem. I want to get medication because I feel like it would help me but I'm afraid to ask. That's the thing with me. I am terrified to ask questions or ask to have something. I don't really know why but if I need to ask for help, I get someone else to do it cause I'm too afraid.I also DO NOT want a therapist. My mom wants me to get one but I keep telling her "No, the last thing I want to do is to tell some random stranger about my anxiety problem and why I have it." If I ever told someone IRL why I have anxiety, they would tell me to suck it up and ignore the pain and it will go away. I have been trying it for three full years and nothing has changed.


I'm not sure what I'm gonna do but I have two options 1) ask my doctor about anxiety medication or 2) try and eat a little more and ignore the thoughts in my head. I'll figure it out and let you guys know what decision I make.


That's all for now. If you have a question, need advice or an opinion, leave it in the comments and I will try my very best to get back to you. Byeee!


XOXO Bella

P.S.
If you have anxiety, PLEASE let me know if you take medication for it and if it helps you! I would love to have different opinions to make out my decision!

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