Grrrrr...

10/18/2015

I have had enough. I am done. I am completely finished! Okay, breathing in and out. Here we go...

I think too much about everything and what the world has become and things need to change even though I don't have the power to change them and that's what makes me think and imagine how my life would be effected by these things and when you come to a conclusion, you can't control what happens in your life. Some people say things happen for a reason. Whether it's good or bad, it happens for a reason. The only problem with that, is you have to dig deep inside yourself to figure out what that reason is.

I need to explain more I know. I look at the world very differently sometimes. For example, when I go to school all I see are a groups. I would just like to confirm I am only talking about my grade 8 groups. There are a few. There's the beautiful skinny girls, the nerdy group, the cute boys who know they're cute, the wanna be populars, and the " I know they exist but I don't really talk to them" group. I am between the " I know they exist but I don't really talk to them" group and the nerdy group. However, I was once in the beautiful skinny girls group. Except I wasn't skinny or beautiful. I was just kinda... there. Like an extra in a movie. I tried to be like the other girls, I was kinda mean and it just wasn't me. Then they kinda "kicked me out" of the group because they thought I was a blabber mouth. I won't argue with that because I kind of was, I have excepted it, learnt from it and I have moved on. With all the bullying from Bertrad and dirty stares from the beautiful skinny girls, I see the world a little differently than I used to. I think about things a lot and most of those things scare me. I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't been bullied. I would probably be huge and people would laugh about me behind my back and no boys would think I'm cute and beautiful. They would see me as a walking sausage. And that's what scares me. I have lost weight, but I am still not that confident. I had a hard time picking my Halloween costume because a lot of them would make me stand out. I stay in my room all the time away from everyone because I don't want ot be seen because all I will think about is what they are thinking of me and what they would say about me behind my back. I sometimes think about what my friends think about me and if they even are my friends or if they are just pretending to be my friends just so they could talk about me and make fun of me when I'm not there. It's happened to me and I'm afraid it will happen again.

Next year, I'm going to high school. The place where everything changes. Friends leave and forget about you, crushes are forgotten and time to start over. It's like your whole life is just wiped away, only to begin again. I have had this guy on my mind ever since the end of summer. I think about him a lot, I try not to. Because I know next year, things will change and he will be forgotten. He will forget me and have no idea who I am anymore. That's what high school does. It shows you what life after is going to be like.

Things happen for a reason. Being bullied is to make you stronger, A family member passing is to show you to treat every day like it's their last and take advantage of your time together because you have no idea when it's going to be over, love is to show you that you have this feeling of warmth and happiness, break-ups are to show you are going to be okay and that ice cream does help. I was kicked out of that group to show that I don't need to be with them and fake who I am and that I could find other people who accept me and who I am for me, and are there for me when I need them most and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. That things will get better.

Just because something happens, doesn't mean your life is over.

XOXO Bella

Next year id

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