My Life At The Moment


Hey. I know I haven't been that active lately and I am so sorry! I have a lot of things on my mind lately. I have school, my personal life, trying to lose weight, and my grad trip is coming up in 2 weeks. I try to make time to write something and I can't. I feel like I need to get some of this off my chest. Because I am not one to physically talk about my feelings, I am going to write them up here. Most of you know about these feelings,  but they're back! And they're attacking me yet again.

School. School has been stressful. Since we only have 2 months left of school, the more difficult work is coming. I was supposed to have a report written by Tuesday about creating an innovative school, but my teacher extended the date another week (thank goodness), I have a geography test on Tuesday and I haven't even finished my study notes, and math is just straight up confusing. I am procrastinating big time and not really doing my homework, which IS NOT GOOD. My grades are already bad enough, now they are just gonna get worse. Actually, not all my grades are bad. My science and language are pretty good, but math, history and geography? FORGET IT. They are all my worst subjects. I hate history and geography and I don't understand math. Well, there goes honour roll...

Personal life. It's personal and I don't really want to talk about it.

Trying to lose weight. It's more difficult then before. I honestly have no idea how I did it last time. I mean working out is one thing, but having motivation to work out is another thing. You could be working out literally hating your life and wanting to legit die, or have the motivation to actually work out and see results in the end. At the moment, my current work out state is "working out literally hating your life and wanting to legit die". I have no idea what motivation I had last time to make me lose all that weight. All I remember is that I ate really healthy and cut down my portions, and went on my treadmill for 20 minutes and watched blogilates videos every night after I ate dinner for like 6 months. Now, I attempt to make healthy choices, eat a little more than I used too, I've become horrible lazy, a really bad snacker, and I have no motivation to work out. I have my friend that I go to the gym with, but I don't really like going on  my own anymore and most of the time she doesn't want to go. Thank goodness I have a treadmill at home. In the attempt of losing weight for the past two months after I gained like 10 pounds, I maintained the 10 pounds I gained for a couple weeks and then I just gained like 4 more pounds. I literally hate myself for it. I don't want to go outside anymore, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I am ashamed of what I look like, and I just sit in my room all day drinking nothing but water and eating a meal every 4-5 hours. Tonight I worked out and basically killed myself after I weighed myself and almost cried when I saw how much I weighed. I am not comfortable with sharing it, but lets just say I was almost in tears. I know people are like "Oh, you shouldn't care about what you look like, guys like more curves anyways." I am sitting her regretting eating all that food when I was younger and not having a healthy lifestyle. I don't feel confident at all and all I am motivated to do is hide my body. I have been trying to workout every night and it's going okay. The food choices aren't the best, but I can make it better. I am going on my diet I did before and seeing if it will work again, hopefully I can try and do it for longer this time.

My grad trip. Is coming in two weeks! I am very excited, and very nervous at the same time. I am going to be sharing a room with my friends. My friends are nice and slim and I am very self conscious around them. I am afraid to get changed in front of them and I just hate my body. Other than that, I am excited to go to Montréal for a few days. I have been there before because I have family there, but that was about 5 years ago and I don't really remember it that well. All I remember is going to my aunts wedding and the snowstorm when we were driving back. We FINALLY got the itinerary for the trip and we know exactly what we're doing. On day one, we are driving there, doing something that I don't remember, checking in at the hotel and freshening up for dinner, and going to dinner at a sports café. On day two we are going to Notre Dame, the holocaust museum, having an hour of free time, going to another place that I can remember, freshening up at the hotel, eating dinner and then going bowling. On day three we are going to the circus school and then driving home. Can't wait!

Well, that's all for today. I am so sorry I haven't really been uploading but my life is a little busy at the moment. But don't worry! Scarlett and I have another post coming in a couple weeks so get excited for that. Thank you so much for reading! Join my blog to be notified when I make a new post and I will see you later. Byeee!

XOXO Bella

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  1. Amazing post, dear! :) Do you want to follow each other? If yes, please follow me with GFC and Google, instagram, write a comment
    and I follow you back :)

    With love.